How to order food at an Italian restaurant like a pro
Hover next to an empty table and panic about whether you should sit down or ask for permission from a waiter first.
Apologise to the waiter because no matter the decision, it will be the wrong one.
Wait 5 - 10 minutes for a menu.
Politely mangle Italian pronunciations. For example: say ‘buongiorno‘ (good morning) at 10pm.
Relish that the Italians find it perfectly normal to have 4 - 5 courses per meal. The more courses you order, the more your waiter will warm to you.
Order 5 courses most of the time.
Avoid filling up on the bread they serve before the meal has started.
When they present you with the wine and ask that you to take a sip to test the quality, do it as quickly as possible. Everyone involved knows that the Brits understand nothing about wine. Don’t waste anyone’s time pretending otherwise.
When the antipasti board arrives, agree on your favourite meats and cheeses. Allow the other person the final slice of their favourites. This will ensure a long and healthy marriage.
Get a little bit too enthusiastic about the cheeses when the waiter clears your plate. Don’t be ashamed. Everyone knows the Brits understands everything about good cheese.
When the pasta course arrives, ensure you cover your face and clothes with the pasta sauce. Especially if your name starts with ‘R’ and ends in ‘ebecca’. This is a sign of respect.
Regret ordering another course. However, acknowledge your mother didn’t raise a quitter. Stuff your face.
Feel disgustingly full.
Order dessert.
When the waiter clears your plate, be overly enthusiastic about how much you enjoyed the meal. You can try the Jacob method: yelling “perfecto!” and giving overly exaggerated thumbs up. Or try the Becky method: look like you’re about to fall asleep at the table.
Be prepared to ask for the bill but realise the waiter has literally vanished.
After 1 - 2 hours, the waiter will appear on the other side of the room.
Try to make eye contact with them to get their attention. They will do everything to avoid looking in your direction.
When you eventually make eye contact, they will think you are flirting with them. On your honeymoon. With your wife.
Make an exaggerated hand gestures while mouthing “the bill please”.
When the bill arrives, have your card out to show that you’re ready to pay immediately.
Wait 1 - 2 hours for the waiter to return.
Eventually go up to the cash register to pay.
Be told to go sit back down. The waiter will come with the card machine.
Pay up and thank the waiter. They will no longer look at you.
Stumble out and let the night air cool off your meat sweats.
Go find a Gelateria.